My TERF Wars

Until recently I had never considered myself a feminist let alone a radical one.  I mean I guess I was one but without being vocal about it.  I did what I wanted, when I wanted, and was happy with that.

I had not really thought about the acronym TERF before.  I think the first time I heard it was a few years ago when Meghan Murphy wanted to give a speech at the Toronto Public Library and people protested.  TPL did not give in and she gave her speech and then I didn’t really hear it again until J.K. Rowling gave her famous tweet about “people who  menstruate”.

One of the people I follow is an actor called Anthony Rapp.  He was in Rent and is in the new Star Trek.  He was going off on JK and tweeted a meme to him about all the things women are losing.  And he called me a TERF and a CIS woman.  We had a bit of a back and forth and he invited me to follow Charlotte Clymer, a former soldier and now Human Rights Activist and public speaker.  Sorry but they honestly look like a dude in a dress.  I’ve seen drag queens that do better well, drag that Charlotte does.  I’m also sorry that I cannot call Charlotte a she, but I just can’t.  Charlotte is still biologically a male.  If I was ever in their presence I would try not to misgender them but I would probably use the words you and they.  Anyway I ended up blocking Anthony Rapp but I do give him credit for creating my feminist awareness and thank him profusely.  Words have meaning and consequence Anthony and if you’d just been less caustic and a bit more nice I might have still been oblivious.

So after this confrontation with someone I admired I started doing some research and what I found out astounded me.

I now spend a lot of time  on Twitter trying to counter damaging posts by people who seem to be involved in some sort of cult and say trans women are women over and over again.  The reason this doesn’t seem to apply equally to men is because trans women are also men.  So misogyny.  Trans women want everything that we have and if we don’t get out of their way and give it to them we care called names, told to suck lady dick and threatened with violence which includes getting shot in the head, stabbing and one who had COVID threatened to go out and seek TERFs and cough on them to try and kill them.

First of all the term switched years ago from transexual to transgender or trans woman or trans man.  I mistakenly thought the ultimate goal was to fully transform into the sex desired.  However, more than 90%  never have “bottom” surgery.

Second, TRAs or Trans Rights Activists view anyone who is Gender Critical as a transphobe or TERF and as JK was subjected to the most vile threats of violence from trans women specifically.  Trans woman have started off as male and have testosterone pulsing through their bodies.  They  grew up in rape culture and know how to make sexual threats because men are the ones who do the penetrating.  Apparently partially becoming a woman does not stop this mind set of getting what they want at all costs and threatening women who get in their way with violence.

Third, in many countries, in government, the word woman is being redefined, however the word man is not.  Please see the new laws in Scotland.

Soon that will be true in Canada if Bill C-8 passes.  This makes it a crime for parents to seek therapy for their children to help them be comfortable in the bodies they were born in.  They call it “conversion therapy”.  Many other people, myself included, see nothing wrong with therapy.  Good counsel to talk through body dysphoria. We are doing our best to kill bill C-8.  The government overreaches when it tries to criminalize parents making medical or psychological decisions for their children.

In England there is this agency called Mermaids that recommends transitioning children as young as 12 I believe and giving them puberty blockers and then cross hormones.  These are dangerous drugs and have not been given FDA approval for transitioning.  They can cause lasting damage to fertility and can cause problems later on like osteoporosis.  Until recently parents oking this for their kids were not told of the dangers.  They were given out without much oversight.  No therapy.  Just a referral from a doctor and then you get approved for surgery you want it.  There has been a huge uptick in cases recommended for trans confirmation.  Many girls who are autistic and have trouble adjusting to puberty are often referred to Mermaids to become boys.  It’s shocking.

As always, follow the money.  I am sure that the big pharma companies are putting money into these organizations to get their puberty blockers and drugs used to transform these kids.

I mean I’ve had breast reduction surgery and I’ve had a partial hysterectomy.  Both big surgeries. Can you imagine giving a mastectomy to a 14 year old.  Or having a 14 year old boy castrated?

Statistically I hear that if these children are allowed to go through puberty they will mostly likely become comfortable in their body.

In Canada I am told that you have to live as your chosen gender for 2 years and drugs are given less frequently. But if Bill C-8 passes there won’t be any therapy.

Our language is being taken from us.  We can no longer use women to describe menstruation or the cancers we get such as cervical or ovarian.  CNN just described women who get cervical cancer and people with a cervix.  FGM survivors on Twitter are told not not use that term because female is exclusionary!  How ridiculous.  FGM happens to females because they are females to control them sexually.  Are they cutting off penises of boys?  Of course not.  So telling a survivor of FGM that her language is wrong is so insulting.

Women are losing their spaces in sports to men who think they should be able to compete as women.  They are losing medals and rankings.  Gender non-conforming males should find a place in male sports.  Not take female spots that females have had to fight hard for, to be taken seriously.

Trans women are being put in female prisons and in rehab facilities and battered women’s shelters.  And if the women complain that they feel uncomfortable at having male bodied persons around, they are kicked out, not the trans woman.  Because those shelters are told they will lose their funding if they “discriminate”.  When a Rape Crisis Centre in Vancouver, B.C. refused to open itself up to trans women, they lost their funding and were forced to close for awhile.

Trans women who are put in female prisons are often sexual predators and are in heaven being put in with a population of vulnerable women to assault.  Clearly, this process needs rethinking.

So running around saying trans women are women and trans men are men makes no sense.  In my Twitter travels I’ve met many trans people who know how ridiculous this is. They’ve done what they can to relieve their gender dysphoria but they know they will never be the other sex.

Did you know that if you as a lesbian reject a transwoman for having a penis because by definition you are not into penises, you are considered a transphobe.  And if a gay man does not want to have sex with a trans man with a vagina they are considered a transphobe as well?

Lesbians and gay men will become an endangered species. This is homophobia run rampant.  And it’s wrong.  We should not be sacrificing our children so they will not be gay!  It’s fucked up!

Yes I realize there are many adults who are trans.  But they should do so as adults, when they can make fully formed decisions about their lives.  I mean our brains are not fully formed until we are 18-21.  We can’t drive until we are 16.  We can’t drive alone in Canada until we are 18.  We can’t vote until we are 18.  We can’t smoke legally until we are 19.  What makes us think that it’s ok for a child to make a decision to become the other sex without the maturity of adulthood?  Without the benefit of talk therapy?  It’s insane!

Women are being erased.  We are losing our protected class rights.  We are losing single sex spaces.  We are losing spots on sports teams. We are losing scholarships.  We are losing internships.  Educational chairs and rights and any other thing that you can think of that were meant for females.  That were put in place to give females a hand up.  Now being taken over by males who complain and threaten because some woman is standing in the way.  Not giving them what they want.  Misogyny in progress.

Women like Maya Forstater and Prof. Lowery are losing their positions because they refuse to give in.  Any disagreement is treated as hate speech.  Saying trans women are biological males is hate speech. Saying only women get cervical cancer is hate speech.  Saying only females have babies is hate speech.  I really don’t care if they have a beard and chests hair.  If they have a uterus they are female.  They may consider themselves men but they are female.  Biology is real.

As there is very little therapy available to them they have transitioned to alleviate their distress.  There is no model.  Anyone who tries is shut down.  Years ago at CAMH, Dr. Kenneth Zucker ran a gender identity clinic where he actively tried to encourage youth to be comfortable in their own bodies.  He was shut down and fired after a review due to complaints by trans activists.  CAMH admitted they were wrong in the way they handled the review and Zucker’s firing and paid him $500,000.00.  Very telling.

There is one famous trans person who is a sexual predator living in B.C.  Jessica Yaniv talks about helping 10 year olds on their period inserting tampons.  He is a voyeur.  He sued several aestheticians when they refused to wax his penis and scrotum.  He lost.  This is not to say that all trans women are sexual predators.  But they are there.

There is also a subset of trans women who I guess suffering greatly with their dysphoria want to experience menstruation.  They take laxatives to give them cramps and then they somehow either create fake blood by using frozen red ice and wearing them on a pad or take used pads out of the garbage and wear them.  There has to be therapy for that!

Anyway I don’t want to police anyone’s sex.  I don’t hate trans people.  But I don’t want to be erased either.  I don’t want to given up single sex spaces or rights.  I don’t want my descriptive pronouns to change.  I don’t want to be saddled with the prefix CIS.  I am not a subset of my own sex.  I am a natal born female and I will be one until the day I die.  I don’t need an extra descriptor to make trans people feel more comfortable.  I don’t want to go to a gym and change in front of someone with a raging erection.  If I needed a rape crisis centre I don’t want to be counseled by someone with a penis.  I should have the right to have a biological female doctor and have the right to have a biological female nurse or doctor perform intimate procedures on me.  Those things should be considered my right and should not be considered hateful.  If I could give birth I would expect that my midwife if I wanted would be a biological female if I so choose.

I will fight this madness with money, with words, with political action, until the day I die.

Why Can’t I Make a Love Connection…

or even a friend connection.

My latest foray into making said connection came last Friday when I emailed a lawyer at my work who I feel I’ve made some sort of connection with.  We have a lot in common and have some great conversations.  I’ve grown to like him quite a lot.  When he comes into my department he only talks to me.

So on Friday I was sitting in a movie called The Gentlemen and it just occurred to me that he should be here.  I should be enjoying it with someone, him to be exact.  And then we could talk about it later.  And then see where it went from there.

So I sent it and I waited.  And waited.  And waited.  And waited.  Monday back at work.  Tuesday back at work.  Nothing.  I wasn’t even sure he was at work as he didn’t come by.

Then this morning I see his reply.

He said the email got stuck in his spam folder.  Then he said it sounded like fun but that he thought the firm would frown on the optics.  i.e. a lawyer going out with a member of staff.

At least he didn’t try to blame me or shame me and tell me that I was imagining something that wasn’t there and have a nice day or whatever.  I thought all it all it allowed us to both retain our dignity.

But I have my doubts that if I was 20 years younger, blond and a bit fitter that he’d find it easier to side step the rules.  If I was someone he wanted to date.

Instead of just someone that he could see as a friend.

I’m always on the outside looking in.  If anyone who reads this has some advice for me, I’d appreciate it.

Burned Again

So earlier in the year, end of May, and before that things weren’t going well.  There was a death in the family, I had a fight with my mom, my dad was drinking his face off and being a total ass and I was really stressed out at work.  My boss was on my ass about mistakes that were minor but she made a huge deal of.  About once a year she decides to pay attention to the department and tries to convince me that I’m the reason all is wrong with the world.  Although we are the best department at the firm.  So I got hauled into a meeting and told that I was the reason for all the ill in the department and that I was being internally demoted.  I’d still have the title but not the duties of a coordinator.  Really it didn’t make much of a difference as I didn’t have any autonomy anyway.  I was told I didn’t take enough time off in sick days and that I was stressed etc.  I’ve always been one to only take sick days when I’m sick.  Not personal days to do self care or whatever.

So anyway taking the hint I booked myself a retreat in Santa Fe New Mexico and it was great.  While there I felt I needed a change.  A lawyer who I have a great rapport with was in dire need of a new assistant.  So I wrote him an email while at the retreat asking if he’d consider me.

When I got back my boss hauled me in for another meeting and tried to calm the waters joking you’re not going to take a retreat every time I have a meeting with you are you or words to that effect.  Then she said no demotion.  Gaslighted again.

After I got back, the lawyer and I saw each other but I was too shy to bring the email up as I didn’t want to put him on the spot if he was ready to move and he didn’t say anything either.   Well about a month later I was setting up a ticket for him and saw that he had a new assistant.  So I congratulated him and asked him if he got my email.  He said I don’t think so.  I said I sent you an email asking if I could be your assistant.  He was totally shocked and said OMIGOD.  I then sent him the email and he said I don’t know what to do now.  He came and spoke to me and said if I had known I would have been all over it because you get me.  He asked if I wanted him to go to HR and I said no you hired someone.  I can’t ask you to burn her.  I said give her a fair shot and if it doesn’t work out you know I’m interested.

So it’s 3 months later and I find out that the rejigged some shares and he has another new assistant.  The girl they had was too green.  They kept her on but on a different share.  But no explanation, no I’m sorry.  Nothing from the lawyer.  I couldn’t think the rest of the day.

I feel totally trapped in my job now.

At least I have a job with co-workers that make it bearable.  One of them said I have to be certain what I want before I put it out there.  If I’m uncertain I’ll never get what I want.  Well I did have doubts about the job I guess or I would have fought for it.

One thing I am certain I want is my crush.  So Elliot Saccucci…will you be mine?

I Have a Crush

On a much younger man.  22 years to be exact.

I feel like I’m wanting a second chance at my younger years.

I have never been a girl who was popular with men.  A social butterfly.  I was afraid of intimacy.  I had a really bad experience getting involved with a psychopathic drug addict who stole money and gaslighted me at every corner.  I felt I could never trust for the longest time.

I was never one to just go out looking for hook-ups.  I came of age in the time of AIDS and even worried I may have contracted it from aforesaid psychopathic addict b/f.  So I was never loose.  I lusted after many men but never had the confidence, body confidence to feel worthy.  Two of the times I did have sex with someone I thought it would lead to more but to them I was just a one night stand.  Devastating.

So I feel I missed out on part of my youth and I am 55 but I feel young.  I relate to younger people more.  I’ve got my life so much more together than I did back then.  I’m travelled and read and I’m an activist in my community.  I’m political.  I’m not attracted to men my own age.  I look at the dating apps and I feel I should be attracted to people my age but I’m just not.  I know there’s a word for what I’m describing.  Cougar.  I’ve looked at those Cougar dating sites and it’s all wrinkled old women with their tits hanging out trying to get a young man.  I’m not really that either.  Everyone says I look like 20 years younger than I am.  Or at least 10.  But when I put my age up on a dating site…it never attracts younger men.

So this guy came into my life and I’m infatuated.  And it’s confusing.  He comes into my work area and only talks to me.  Makes a point of talking to me and asking me about my weekend.  He doesn’t ignore me like so many before him have.  It half makes me think I have a chance.  But I’m crazy right?  Right?  A young man will want things I can’t give him.  Children for instance.  How would he explain someone like me to his friends, to his family.  (Ok, I know I’m ahead of myself but in my fantasy…).

But damn, if he weren’t looking for something serious and just wanted to keep it light.  It would be a great way for me to experience intimacy.  Well get more experienced in sex and some intimacy.

I dream of stroking the side of his face.  Tucking back his hair behind his ear.  What does he smell like?  Kissing the nape of his neck.  Giving him a shoulder rub.

We have things in common.  We like the same kinds of movies.  His career is sports specifically hockey.  My stepdad coached Jr. A hockey which kind of made me a rink rat.  I don’t play any sports but I don’t mind watching them.

I want a healthy, adult, relationship.  Whether it turns into something serious or not, it’s probably a not.  But man what fun we could have.

Just putting it out to the universe.  Maybe she will shine on me.

When People Hurt You

Years ago a met a woman through fandom at a special gathering for a show we all loved.  2001 it was. We’ll call her Bex. A difficult year.  I met her briefly when she interrupted a conversation I was having with one of the actors in the show.  He was personable and funny and I enjoyed our chat.

Later on when I got home I set up Yahoo Pages (“the” thing back in 2001 before Facebook, Myspace and Twitter).  But when I got to this actor it had already been set up by Bex.  So I joked with her that she beat me too it.  Part of her business was website design and running pages for actors and she became this actors webmaster and friend.

I can’t remember exactly when if it was before or after 9/11 but I had had such a great time at this gathering and I wanted to keep part of the connections I made.  So I made the extreme error in judgment of looking up this actor’s phone number and calling him.  He was listed so I literally just called directory assistance.  In hindsight I realize getting a call from a person you have met only once, asking to set up a long distance friendship can be frightening.  Although I gave him my name, reminded him about our meeting and just said that I was hoping we could become friends.

Anyway, he told her or someone did.  She contacted me on chat and raked me over the coals.  Accused me of being a stalker.  And wasn’t nice about it.  I called him and apologized and got in trouble for that.  And then I wrote an email of apology through his website.  And she warned me that she could see what I wrote.  *rolls eyes*.

We became sort of friendly, that is until I ran afoul of someone who called herself Gator_XX at the time.  At the time Yahoo Groups had a group chat attached to their groups and I met her through my involvement in another group.  She was chatting to one of her friends and she was saying how she was accused of stalking a comedian.  I think.  It’s 18 years ago.  Anyway I related my story to them and was joking with them and said something like “he wishes I stalked him”.  Because I felt that I was really unjustly accused.  I mean he lives in California.  I live in Toronto.  Two phone calls do not a stalker make.  Anyway, turns out this Gator_xx knew my former friend, Bex.  So I got another looooong message from her saying that I was no longer part of his fan club yahoo group and if I attempted any further contact there would be trouble etc.  Like oh my gawd who was this woman and why was she making my life a misery?

So of course being the naive person I am, I confronted Gator_xx who ignored me but then proceeded to write about me in her blog.  That was terrifying.  I felt violated in the worst way.  She used my handle at the time and wrote untrue things about me and indicated that because she was a supreme hacker that she had been in my email. She personally insulted me as a fat troll who couldn’t get laid and other unpleasantries.  I was working for an IT company at the time and even tried to hire one of our hackers to see if they could break into the blogging site and take her horrible blog down.  But my friends talked me down.  And once I realized that she wasn’t coming after me physically I calmed down.  Although as a religious, Christian zealot at the time, she often came over the border to a born again Christian church not 50 miles from where I live.  That was scary. But so far as I know I was never put in danger.

I had also become friends with Corry, a friend of Bex’s.  We would meet up sometimes when he came into Toronto for work and go for a coffee.  One time we went for a drive at the water treatment plant that posed as the the “office” of the show we all loved.  Well it turns out Gator_xx got totally upset that I was viewing her blog and other people were viewing her blog and her nuttiness so she got in contact with Corry and told her that if I agreed to stop looking at her blog she would stop writing about me.  I agreed.  And it stopped.

I also apologized to Bex in an email.  She accepted my apology and we moved on. Somehow we managed to become friends.  We chatted almost everyday.  Bonded over tv shows and celebrities that we liked.  Music that we liked.  I really thought we were friends.  I really felt it.  But at the same time I knew that she never really trusted her because I think I never really trusted her.

Then in 2003 after Corry and I became closer, we had sex.  At the time Bex and I were kind of on the outs so I asked him not to tell her.  But he lied to me like the rat he is and he told her almost immediately.  And for several years she pretended not to know.  Holding the secret to herself.  I’m sure Corry and Bex had great laughs at my expense.  My inexperience.  My chubbiness.  My clumsiness.  I’ll bet she really enjoyed having something on me.  Oh and he also broke my toilet.  Somehow he managed to try to flush a whole roll of toilet paper down and I had to have it replaced.  Guess that was a parting “gotcha bitch”.  To someone he manipulated for sex.

So she kept the secret.  Corry although he promised we would see each other again ghosted me.  Then admitted that he was seeing another woman.  Essentially, he groomed me for a booty call.  In hindsight he was not someone to trust.  He cheated on his wife.  Probably with me.  So I called him out online told him off.  Etc.  All the while Bex kept me close.  Then after awhile I decided not to be mad at Corry anymore.  It took too much energy.  I might have even apologized to him.  Things kept intensifying with Bex and I so much so that she decided she was coming to Toronto to visit me and see Corry.  This was in 2006.  I know because I had just gotten my Dora cat.  I took a week off and my mom was here.  Bex came over and met my mother.  I was not totally prepared for her visit and I was nervous.  Here was the woman I had had all that drama with and she was right in front of me!  So we had meals together we went to the CN Tower with Corry.  We went down to the Beaches, I showed her where the original MAC Make-up was.  We went through the Eaton Centre, etc.  That’s when she first told me she was molested.  I didn’t say anything for fear of saying the wrong thing.  I just listened to her.  The visit ended and then she went home.

Then she became distant again.  Her marriage was imploding.  She invited a third person into her marital bed but then the other two decided to have an affair behind her back.  Oh and btw a few years later she forgave this woman.  Who had an affair with her husband.  Who was her best friend at the time.  Just sayin’.  All this was happening around the time that her daughter wanted to get married.  So they pulled it together to hold a wedding for her and then Bex was out of there.  I called her on the day of the wedding to wish her well and she hung up on me.  She said she “dropped the phone” or something.  But she hung up on me.  I just wanted to wish them well and she shit all over me.  She moved into an apartment and hated it.  I think she hated living alone.  She pushed me away for a long time.  And even admitted that she was pushing her daughter away.  Everything I said made her angry or upset it seemed.

After her visit Corry started sniffing around me again and we started chatting and were flirting and I didn’t have a camera but he showed me his cock on camera and it was very sexual although not having sex.  This went on for a bit and then he started ghosting me again.  Didn’t tell me why but just rude to me when I sent a text.  Didn’t want to chat or to see me.  So I did some investigation and found out he was seeing someone and was about to get married.  So I sought revenge.  I had had enough of him and his using me.  Things with Bex were broken or so I thought so I had nothing left to lose.  So I contacted her and we opened up a chat and I spilled my guts to her about our history.  She listened and then at the end of it she said he was sitting right there beside her as she read all of it.  I said well you two deserve each other and I blocked them both on Facebook.

Shortly after Bex contacted me with a friendly message kind of wanting to rekindle our friendship.  I thought oh fuck.  This is going to go badly.  So of course I didn’t tell on myself and just had a nice chat with her.

As you might guess Corry and his new lady filled her in and she sent me a message a few days later in chat saying she could never respect anyone who did that and who did I think I was and it was only sex.  Yeah he uses me for sex.  I’m her friend.  But because he’s her friend she also takes his side against me!!!!  She actually told me in chat to stop answering her.  I said well if you think I’m letting you talk to me like that you’ve got another thing coming.  When she stopped responding I guess she figured out how to block me on chat.

So then I blocked her stuff I guess.  Or not.  I can’t remember.  And we were finally broken.

Then a couple of years ago I messaged her on Facebook and said I think of you often and I hope you are well.  Well she blocked me.

So I wrote her on Twitter and told her how immature she was.  And she blocked me on there too.

So then the war was on.  I wrote about it in my blog.  She wrote about me in veiled tweets and her blog I think.  One of her friends wrote me an email through my blog and told me how horrible I was.  Her other friend was reading my blog.  She put memes up about toxic relationships and frenemies etc.  So I tried to out meme her.  I actually found a lot of good memes and pinned them.  I felt bad for what I was doing but I was also so angry and hurt.  What the fuck actually had I done to her?  I had tried all this time to be a supportive friend.  I had tried to forgive her with each new hurt she heaped upon me because somehow I felt I deserved it.  I always felt I had failed her and if I could just be better, if I could get her to truly forgive me (which I don’t think she ever really did), I would truly be deserving of the good things.

So things settled down.  I still checked in on her Twitter from time to time.  And I saw that she was broke and couldn’t go see a popular movie that was out.  So me being me and doing well-intentioned stupid things I found out what movie chain was in her state and I bought an online gift certificate for US$50 and sent it to her.

She got it a couple of days later and wrote another blog about it about how I was stalking her and all this crazy shit.

She throws that word around a  lot.  Again she lives on the other side of the US, west coast and I live in Ontario, Canada.  Stalking to me means following someone around, popping out of the bushes.  To find her address I just had to do a search on the Internet.  I didn’t have to pay for the information.  I did NOTHING WRONG.  Although sending someone out of context after you’ve gone to war with them is probably not a best thought out plan but that’s my damage that I have to sort out.  It wasn’t a threat.  But unwanted and I have not done it again.

So over the years I would look at her open blog and check in on her Tweets from time to time.  One blog last year she wrote about her molestation at the hands of her birth father and some other relatives.  I tweeted to her that I was sorry and that my heart bled for her.  She actually tweeted me back and said that while we were not friends anymore she welcomed my compassion.  I thought that showed some growth.

Then earlier this year I became Facebook friends with her daughter who is also estranged from her.  I don’t know why they are estranged but I sent her a private message saying that if she ever wanted to talk about things I was willing to listen and explained why it was hard for me to completely cut Bex out of my life.  See one of the above paragraphs.

Then all of a sudden Bex blocked me on Twitter.  I thought somehow her daughter said something but she didn’t.  Probably Bex checking in on my Facebook saw that were were friends or that I had posted to her and saw that two of her enemies were friendly so she had to block me.

So I viewed her Twitter and two tweets stick out.  One where she says she did a thing that she had to do but didn’t really want to. *vague tweeting*  And then another one where:

She is still calling me a stalker and she’s all bent out of shape because Twitter suggested that she follow me because 4 people she follows follow me.  Yay me I guess!  But still, I’m bad.  She invokes Satan’s name.  She still thinks so badly of me.  That Satan had to have been responsible.  It’s kind of sad.  If all this hadn’t happened we really would be good friends.  We follow a lot of the same people.  We used to like a lot of the same shows and we probably still do.  Politically we are both liberal and believe in human rights for all.  But I’m the stalker when she can’t even bear to have my name mentioned on her Twitter.  Is it jealousy?  Is it hate?  Is she that afraid of me?  I’ve never threatened her and before the blog war our fight was over a guy Corry, that I don’t think she even talks to.  But yet I’m the stalker.  I think she needs to look up the definition.  So I’ve blocked her on all the social media I could find.  She has me blocked on Facebook  I don’t know if she can see me if she blocks me.  I realize that we will never make up.  Never come to an understanding because she doesn’t want to hear what I have to say.  Even when she visited me and we were having a nice dinner over some wine and I tried to explain myself over the actor thing.  She wouldn’t let me finish.  And indicated that I was making her angry so I shoved down my voice.  Keep in mind now that as we sat across from each other at that dinner she was betraying me.  Because she new my business and didn’t say anything.  So as much I can I will avoid her.  Yes I went into get this photo as I wanted evidence.  So there it is.  If you’re reading this Bex.  I don’t know what else to say.  You are truly lost.  To me.  To your daughter.  I wish I could be your friend.  But there’s no trust.  You’re cool.  I tried to be cool.  But I never measured up.  It’s over.

Waiting to Die

Looking out the window at night can’t help but wonder
That God must be one sick motherfucker
So I bust a nut in the sky
Spend another day waiting to die

I guess I’m having a mid-life crisis.  Lately I feel I’m just waiting to die.

I live in an expensive City.  I make a good salary but it doesn’t go very far.  I live in a shitty apartment and I can’t afford to move because I’d have to make a rent jump of $500-$750 a month to get a decent apartment the same size or even a little bigger.

My job is not meaningful or fulfilling but it pays well.

I don’t really have a social life.

I have no boyfriend because I’m crap at dating and not interesting I suppose.  I also have been so traumatized by past dating experiences that I have just given up.  I’m tired of the rejection.  I’m tired of men who just want to hook up.  I’m tired of men who ask you at your first meeting, “So how many guys have you been with?”.  Like it’s any of their business.  Shit.

I’m stranded in one city because my father is here.  And my mother and stepfather live 5 hours away in a city where there is only 1 bus a day each way.

I’m particularly traumatized by that.  When my mother decided to move back from Nova Scotia I thought they would settle back in the city they left.  Where I could get to easily and where if something happened to them they would be sent to Toronto for medical care etc.

But instead my mother, without consulting me at all or thinking of what she was doing, decided to settle in Owen Sound.  I feel so betrayed by this.  We didn’t sit down and discuss it as a family because she doesn’t view me as an adult.  She/they just decided.

I don’t drive.  Right now there is one bus a day each way.  I just just go up on a Friday night and come back on a Sunday.  As Greyhound is reducing services across Canada that could change.  I could book an airport shuttle but that’s more expensive than a bus ticket.

If something happens to one of them London is their medical centre which is even further away and I would not be able to see them or comfort them.  I doubt they could get themselves sent to Toronto.

I feel so betrayed.

I don’t know what changes to make or how to make them.  I thought therapy was the answer but I cannot afford good therapy.  I have some benefits but at the average of $180.00 an hour that goes pretty quickly so I had to quit my therapist.  I see a doctor who practices therapy but cannot call herself a psychiatrist who handles my meds and I see for therapy but she’s not very good.  She doesn’t challenge or guide.  We just talk.  She didn’t challenge me as much as my $180/hr therapist did.  So I guess I’m getting my money’s worth which is nothing.  I feel that that is probably not fair but it is the way I feel and she is about all I can afford.

I have a naturopath and she’s been good.  We are trying to get my health back on track.  I’m also going to change doctors.  I was going to a Health Centre and while it was small there was just one practice.  Then when they moved into their full building and divided up the practices somehow even though I’m not gay my file got put in the LBGT practice team and I ended up with a transgendered (male to female) doctor as I originally had requested a female doctor.  I accepted it because i felt I should be open-minded.  I’ve tried giving her a way out saying I don’t really fall in the majority of her practice and she could switch me to the family team to make room for someone who does fit in.  But she wouldn’t go for it.  They woudn’t just switch me.  I had to ask her to switch me. She doesn’t seem to like giving physicals or pap smears.  Last time I went to see her she kept me waiting over an hour and when I asked how much longer it would be she told the receptionist that I’d have to rebook.  Not impressed so I decided it was time for us to part.  I am seeing her tomorrow to get a requisition for blood tests for my thyroid.  My naturopath thinks that that may be the answer to some of my problems.  After that I have an appointment with a doctor who is new, a natural female and closer to where I live.  I’m hoping that it will go well.  I can bring my tests to her and see if she can spot if I have any thyroid issues.

There’s got to be some changes soon.  I need a better life.  I don’t want to just wait to die.

Can People be Redeemed?

Is there forgiveness.

Years ago my cousin allegedly committed a rape.  His mother was still alive and she swore he was in bed in his bedroom when it happened. Somewhere in all this she died of cancer.   He broke into a girl’s house and raped her.  He denied it all a long.  He went to trial and if I remember correctly was out on bail.  I believe the verdict was guilty. Before he was sentenced his brother helped him escape to the US.  They were apprehended and as part of a plea deal I guess or something his brother was not charged and my cousin went to jail.  He served his time and has not reoffended.  (I tried Googling it but could come up with no news reports.)

His brothers or his father will not have anything to do with him.

Recently, my aunt died.  My father’s youngest sister.  She moved back to Nova Scotia more than a few years ago.   She was raped when she was 16 by her first cousin, now deceased.  When she told her parents my grandfather asked what she did to “encourage” him.  My grandmother pretended it never happened as it was her nephew.

She went on to get married and have two children in Ontario.  Her asshole of a husband left her in such a messy way.  He never told my aunt that he was unhappy.  He arranged to rent a 2 bdrm apartment for him and his son to live in.  He had sex with her the night before he left and dismantled their bed the next day as he moved out his stuff.  He left his daughter with her but took his son.  She raised her daughter and co-parented her son.  Then she decided to move from Ontario to Nova Scotia, her daughter was 22 and her son was older, had married and just had his first child.  But yet her kids are furious with her!  They are so angry that she “abandoned” them.  And their father is a “good” father.

They had to fly home for their mother’s funeral.  He flew them home but apparently it’s a loan!  A god damn loan.  And they have to pay him back?  But yet he’s a good father.  Wow!

Anyway I write all this because, a victim of rape, when she moved back to Halifax (Dartmouth really, just outside of Halifax), she adopted my cousin and shared an apartment with him.  A rape victim, sharing an apartment with a convicted rapist.  That’s a lot of forgiveness.  That’s a lot of redemption.

When my aunt died, he was with her and tried to revive her through CPR.  To me he’s a hero.  I don’t care what he did in the past.

But my family it seems is not so forgiving.  When my stepmother asked one of my cousins if the funeral events and him staying at my aunts house meant he was allowed back in the family and my cousin said nope this is a one time thing.  So back he goes on the outs again.  He will have no one to spend Christmas with.  I doubt my aunt and uncle will invite him over.  It bothers me that people I love could be so cold.  I know he allegedly did a horrible thing.  I say alleged because although he accepted sentence and went to jail, the girl did not identify him in the beginning and I have a feeling that he admitted it to get his brother off for helping him and to not put his dying mother through any more pain.  He was not an offender before then and has not offended after.  Whether I’m wrong or right, he has paid his dues by serving his full time in jail.

I guess the true test is whether I would feel comfortable having him in my apartment and the truth is I don’t know.  My aunt slept in the next room from him for years and she felt safe.  And she was raped by a relative.

In the year before the rape, I went to NS for a family reunion/wedding.  I slept in his parents’ house on the floor next to him, and at the wedding, I got totally drunk and ended up in a hotel room with him and his brother and wokr up about to vomit and he held a garbage can for me throw up in.  Not my best moment.  This was in the late 80s or early 90s.  And nothing happened to me.

So I feel incredibly sad for my cousin at the moment.  I didn’t know that he was still a pariah.  I thought because my aunt was able to forgive him that the others would follow her example.  Now he’s lost his best friend and someone to keep him on the straight and narrow.

Can he be redeemed?  Can he be forgiven?

Mama Said There’d Be Days Like These…

Well actually she didn’t but I thought it sounded like a good title.  Mom doesn’t really understand my anxiety. She’s a bit more understanding about my depression but doesn’t understand the anxiousness.

My father doesn’t understand either and tried to medication shame me once when I let slip I was on them.  He thinks that because my life is going so well that depression and anxiety should just disappear!  Poof!  This from a chronic alcoholic who self medicates has angina, diabetes, obesity, had a non-cancerous tumour removed from his lung and has diabetic neuropathy so bad that some days he can hardly walk.  But yup my depression should just disappear.

Lately I’ve been feeling very anxious.  A co-worker got fired.  She deserved it.  It’s been a long simmering problem with her attitude and her reacting and being passive/aggressive about what others in the department does.  She was on afternoons/evenings.  One day I asked her to take on looking after a job and she refused.  I wanted her to look after it because it was an important partner and he would be bringing it in throughout the night and I felt she would be a good candidate to he his contact person until she went home.  I told my boss what was going on and she said assign it to her.  So I did and she told my boss she wasn’t feeling well and walked off the job without saying a word to me or my colleague.  She has a 2 hour commute to get to work so if she wasn’t feeling well she probably knew before she got on the bus.  She just didn’t want to do what was asked.  Then we found out that she deliberately purged a document from another job.  So she got let go.   But it caused all sorts of drama.

Our national department is now down 4 people which means more work for everyone and just a little tense when it becomes really busy.

Then the firm decided to change the timing of performance appraisals and moved them up 4 months.  So this is like the second appraisal I’ve had in 7 or 8 months.  That’s a little nerve wracking.  I’m the coordinator now and I feel like there are some people who don’t listen to me.  Mostly my job is running the queue, setting up tickets, making sure jobs get back on time, especially early in the morning.  I have a supervisor now and there seems to be a grey area as to what her job is and mine sometimes.  She encroaches a bit.  I haven’t had much feedback from her.  We get along extremely well and I like her a great deal.  I just hope I don’t have any surprises come appraisal time or raise time.

I had an aunt die last week.  My dad’s youngest sister.  She had a troubled life I would say.  When she was  younger she was very sensitive.  Would cry at the drop of a hat and throw tantrums.  When she was a teenager she revealed that she and a friend were raped by her cousin when they were staying over at his house visiting her aunt who was his mother.  When she finally told her parents she was blamed by my grandfather (long since dead).  Her marriage ended dreadfully.  Her husband never expressed that he was leaving her, had sex with her having already rented an apartment with 2 bedrooms so he could have his son live with him but left his daughter with my Aunt.  He left while she was at work the next day and destroyed their bed frame while taking it apart but left her the mattress.  She raised her daughter and partially her son I guess.  And then when her daughter was 22 my aunt moved back to her “home”, Nova Scotia hoping for a better life and better employment prospects.  I don’t know if either happened.  Because my aunt was so damaged and never sought treatment for PTSD she was always angry and had a chip on her shoulder.  She had trouble holding down a steady job.  She’d get let go when a contract was up.  My dad says it was because after she was there awhile she would start telling them how to run the place and was too opinionated.  I think because of her PTSD and lack of confidence she just didn’t know how to get along with others.  It took me a long time to understand that for myself as well, on the job.  She was on the outs at one time or another with her relatives, including me for a number of years.  I didn’t know about the rape then.  But she was very caustic and took offense easily.   My cousins seemed to have blamed her for leaving and were estranged from her.  Even though they were adults.  She hoped they would visit her but they never did.  Somehow their jerk of a father got off the hook because he stayed.  She went to find herself and she’s the baddie.  Not fair.  I loved my Aunt but I didn’t always like her.  But I would never say she deserved when happened to her.  And especially not her death at 64 or 65 dying of a massive heart attack.  My cousin was with her so she did not die alone and he even tried to resuscitate her.  To no avail.

Then all this murdering and bombing.  I know I live in Canada’s largest City and for the most part our crime and murder rate is low.  We have had mass attacks here like the truck attack on Yonge Street and a shooting spree on the Danforth.  Not any school mass shootings and no bombings.  We had a serial killer of gay men.  But he’s been caught.

But this week alone in the US there was the bomber mailing bombs to Democrats and a mass shooter at the Tree of Life Synagogue.  This hatred just brings up so many emotions and anxiety for me.  This type of hatred I believe is a mental illness.  I’ve had people say well you don’t become a racist because you’re mentally ill. But what if the racism itself is a mental illness?  How else can you explain this type of evil.  This desire to do harm.

These Jewish people had escaped the Holocaust to come to the US only to die at their place of worship?  The one place in the world they should have felt safe?

I believe yes that this type of thing falls directly at the feet of Donald Trump.  Spreading his hatred, his violence.  Refusing to out and out condemn supremacists.  Calling them “good people”.   I think he has made people more comfortable with their prejudices.  He says what they are thinking and if the president says it, it must be ok.  And that’s exactly what a man on a plane who groped a woman said.  Well the President says it was ok.  Not so hard to connect the dots after all then.  I cannot wait until his presidency is over.

I thank God or the Universe everyday that I was born and raised in Canada.  We are not perfect, especially in our treatment of First Nations people.  But we know that and we question it and we try to do better.  And I hope we will continue to do better until they are treated equally under the law and by all.

But I hope Trump is out of office before he sets off a civil war in his own country or a world war for the rest of us.

I hope I survive this coming month with appraisals, maybe new people coming aboard with my mental health intact, still at my job and with a nice raise.

I also hope my faith in humanity gets restored after this past month and people start treating each other nicely again.

Not that anyone is reading this or anything…

But I guess I’m a horrible blogger.  I should get in the habit of writing every day or at least a few times a week.  I think of you often blog.  But I’m not a good writer and most times don’t really know what to say.

I have lots of opinions on things like Donald Trump and Doug Ford and stuff that goes on in the world but I put a lot of that on Twitter and Facebook.  Maybe I should put it here more often.

Things have been going well.  I’m valued at work.  I’m one of the only ones that don’t let my boss down.  There are so many on our team that cannot be counted on.  So the boss turns to me a lot and that’s good.  I’m on a really good anti-depressant which controls my mood and makes me feel well.  I still have anxiety and panic sometimes.  Not panic attacks just the generalized worry that happens. But I can deal with that.

Personal life is meh.  Not dating at all.  I don’t know if it’s normal or not.  Interpersonal relationships just seem hard. Trust is a big one for me.  One of my colleagues at work found that out the hard way.  She married this man.  Intermingled their finances.  Sold her house to help him pay off  his debt.  Bought a vehicle in both their names.  He had affairs on her and then had her believing he was dying of prostate cancer that had metastisized.  Claimed he was Stage 4.  Wouldn’t let her go to the doctor with him or show her his medication. As she got more suspicious he tried to kill himself at home.  She got him to the hospital and guess what they could find no evidence that he had ever talked to any cancer doctors.  They held him on a psych hold and she told him not to come home.  Then he took the vehicle that she was paying for.  Then he claimed it got stolen with all his stuff in it.  So she is off the hook for payments if the insurance comes in.  She was going to let it lapse anyway.

But I digress.  If you can’t trust the person you are married to what then?  I had one bad relationship where a guy wrecked my credit rating by spending money on my credit cards to the limit.  He was doing drugs, etc.  But I wanted to be loved so bad.  I knew he was lying to me but he always had an answer or a story or some way to make it up to me.  Finally I was made to choose between my mom and him and I chose my mom.  I’m happy I got away with my life and no diseases.

Maybe a relationship will come maybe it won’t.  Maybe in a year or two I’ll join another dating site.  I’m a work in progress.  It’s taken me a long time to get to the place I am.  I live in a rent controlled apartment in expensive Toronto which I’m holding on to for dear life.  I live right downtown.  Lots around me.  I have a good job, two great cats.

Although my one cat has diabetes and I cannot leave him often, this week I am getting away to see my mom.  My dad called me and offered to pay the cost of having someone to come in and look after him!!!  That was really lovely of Dad.  I hadn’t made plans to go away as it’s an extra expense plus bus ticket.  But with him paying for the cat visits, I can manage.  So thanks Dad!  So it’s all arranged and I’m getting away for 3 nights/2 days.  It’s a 4 1/2 hour bus ride but they have WiFi usually and I have a few books on my iPad that I can read.  She is so excited and I’m really excited to get out of town and to see her/them.  They have been really great about coming to see me but they are getting older 78 and 79 respectively and it’s a long ride.  I wish they lived closer because it’s hard for us to see each other.  I wish they had moved back to where they used to live before their time in Nova Scotia but they chose my step-dad’s home town.  All his family is there which is what mom wanted to do for him.  But it makes her isolated.  If something happens to my step-dad, I hope she will come and live with me.

Besides a personal life I should work on making more friends.  I have no one to do things with or just hang with.  And if I do hang with someone it’s about just one thing like fandom or the zoo or other interests.  It’s  not about a friendship just an acquaintance who happens to like the same thing.  I don’t even have any friends from grade school anymore that I’m close to.  The last one that faded away I just wrote her a good-bye note.  She was unresponsive on Facebook.  Did not want me to come and visit her to spend time with her after her mother died but claimed there was nothing wrong.  But yet when I wrote her the note she claims she was hurt by it.   I would rather someone just tell me they don’t want to be friends anymore than just ghost me.  I had another friend who ghosted me and I didn’t know what happened to her.  Her number changes she wouldn’t answer my emails.  I reached out to her kids who blocked me.  I reached out to friends who did not know anything.  I had hear of bad weather in her area and wrote her on Facebook instant messenger to say that I hope her and her family did not come into any harm as it was tornadoes.  Finally one day last year at like 5am she starts instant messaging me.  I think had to have been drunk as she was very volatile and not making any sense.  She started by saying she got my message when she was coming back from her father’s funeral.  I said I was sorry for her loss.  She didn’t acknowledge it and then launched into this attack saying I had become unstable and was stalking her children so she decided to cut ties with me.  She lives in Texas, I live in Ontario Canada.  I became worried about her and reached out to them only when I heard nothing from her.  Was she ill, dead, divorcing.  I didn’t know.  Before she decided to cut all ties we were planning for me to come and visit her.  I had asked if I could come at a particular time and she said she didn’t think that was a good time to visit and that was the last I heard from her.  I should have known.  But I had to know.  If you know what I mean.  She was/is severely damaged.  And I should have just backed off.

So you see, friendships are hard for me to maintain. I have one good friend and I was her maid of honour at her wedding.  We stay close or try to.  Through phone and Facebook.  I have a good former work friend and I was just at her place at a BBQ.  I took myself all the way out there on the GO train and they drove me home.  That was a nice adventure.

But it is something I have to work on definitely.  But like I said, work in progress.

Catch you later blog.

Catching Up

The latter part of 2017 seemed to fly by so quickly!

Much of it was spent worrying about my cat.  Mr. Pink’s diabetes came back along with a nice case of Chronic Kidney Disease Stage 2.  So I was pre-occupied with getting him on the right food that supported both conditions and making sure his insuling doseage was correct etc.

The it was time to think about the holidays.  I was hoping I could get away but Mr. Pink just cannot be left alone with his diabetes.  So mom and Brad came to visit and we had a lovely 4 days together.

My father and stepmother went to England for 2 1/2 weeks so I had seen them before they left.

These were nice respites from the toils of work and a problem that has been boiling over for awhile now.

The wicked, loathed co-worker.  The one who does everything they can to make your life miserable.  She causes noise but tells you to be quiet if you make some.  She eats stinky food at her desk and then passively aggressively asks if you can smell it.  She purposely scuffs her feet on the floor or stomps making it seems like she weighs 200 lbs.  She can’t leave the thermostat alone (it’s got to be the right temperature for her, nevermind anyone else).

I am the coordinator but whenever I ask her to do something she acts like I’m picking on her.  Well perhaps her laziness would not be so noticeable  if she didn’t spend so much time on the Internet or writing in her blog.  Or just stopping work altogether at around 3pm and spending the next hour trying to look busy as she gets ready to leave at 4.  Her seat is never warm past 4:00:00.

I mention her blog because through some sleuthing I found it and she writes very horrible things about me, the former coordinator, the department and the firm.   I took screen shots and sent the pertinent passages to our boss.

This is just the straw that broke the camels back.  I mean she volunteered to work Boxing Day for the department and then didn’t show up despite being sent and email to be reminded.  She says she didn’t see it because get this “she highlights and deletes her personal emails every morning”.  Doesn’t read them.  LOL  To this day she refuses to take responsibility for not coming in!  She messes up almost every job she takes.  She even admitted in her blog that she tries to goad me by being purposefully passive/aggressive.

So to counter this and to keep my inner peace in my inner space, she does not exist for me anymore.  I don’t say good morning if she doesn’t say it first and I do not say good night.  I do not give her direction.  If I notice she’s on the Internet or her blog or whatever she’s writing I just ignore it.  Our supervisor is back from vacation now and she is now her problem.  From time to time I ask my colleague who sits behind her what she’s doing and he tells me writing in her blog (out in the open and at work).  We laugh.  She has more than one.  Because the one I found hasn’t had as many updates as she is making and the design looks different.

Work ethics are such funny things.  She believes she should make her own down time and let other people take up her slack. She believes she should have privacy and partitions between desks.  She believes her right to do what she wants when she wants is almost a human right and those that try to get her to actually work are micromanaging her and are nosey!  When asked to do something she says oh I want the girls out west to have something to do, or I want the girls at night to have something to do.  What that is absolutely none of her business, none of her concern and not part of her job to decide who should be busy or not.  We never know from one moment to the next who will submit work or how busy it will get.  We work until the work is done and then our time is our own.  She seems to think she should get paid for making her own time.  Stealing time if you will, from the company and that it is a human right!

I also took my social life by the horns.  I reconnected with an old male friend that I used to work with.  He is great fun and we have the same humour.  We used to joke at work and maybe flirt a bit.  But he was married and had two small children.  Then we both ended up leaving the company.  Got lost for a bit.  Then when we reconnected on Facebook he was finally divorced.

So on New Year’s Day I think I chatted him and asked him if he was dating and he said no, that he was kind of liking being alone.  So I said *gulp* well if you are every wanting to date again…consider me.  Then nothing!  He stopped chatting.

A few minutes later I said Dude don’t leave me hanging!

He came back and said sorry had to do something.  But don’t worry if I ever do consider dating again I would be a choice and that I didn’t chase him away!  Whew!  So who knows!

Well I should go now!  The Blacklist is on!